Back to Work...The Office Edition

So this week was another milestone, specifically, my first days back in the office. Due to some rather strange circumstances, I work out of two locations: New Haven, CT and White Plains, NY. When I am helping my wife out by bringing our girls to day care, I work out of the New Haven office, which is closer to Alecia and the girls. When I do not have to bring the girls to day care, I go to White Plains, which is the office I started working in and so is kind of the "home office" for me.

On Tuesday, Alecia had to attend a funeral for a coworker. In addition to this being a very sad occasion for her, it became the first time she needed me to take the girls since the doctor cleared me to drive last Wednesday. With my parents out of town, there weren't too many other options. So off I went.

I was a bit anxious about going back. I mean, I have a desk job, so it isn't all that strenuous. But the thought of being trapped in a location where I cannot easily take a break was kind of daunting. Plus, several of the afib incidents I had at the beginning of the year started when I was sitting at my desk. There is still the nagging suspicion that the stress of work is one of the triggers for my condition. I know this is a ridiculous thought, because the reason my heart goes afib is because I have a congenital heart defect. But it is sometimes hard not to be superstitious.

The mind also plays strange tricks when you are facing a change like going back to work after being out on disability and modifications for two months. One of the mistakes I made in going back was that I "forgot" to tell my boss my plans. I didn't tell him last week. I didn't tell him on Monday. Worst of all, I didn't even tell him on Tuesday when I was actually in the office.

My reasons for this boneheaded move are a bit obscure, but I think they come down to one thing: I was afraid. First, I was afraid that if I told my boss that I would be back, he would make me come in full time, and I would no longer have the option to ease back in, or even decide that I couldn't work in the office every day. This was ridiculous given the fact that my boss has been so understanding, but the fear was there anyway.

The second fear I had, and the one that was probably had much more to do with my forgetfulness, is this: for the first three months of 2011, it seemed as if each time I went in to the office, I would have a recurrence of afib, and would end up back in the hospital. I thought that if I just didn't tell anyone that I was back, they wouldn't make a connection between me working in the office and going to the hospital. And call me odd, but I feel as though it is important for my relationship with my coworkers for them not to wonder (any more than they already do), if I'll be in the hospital the day after they see me. I know it is not quite rational to think that way, but it is as difficult as anything else I've been through to try and help my co-workers deal with my frequent absences due to my heart issues.

Of course, my decision to sneak back into work like a thief in the night was not the best. Late in the day, my boss needed to fill out an asset validation form for the computer I use in New Haven. Since he didn't know that I was there, he sent the teammate who works in New Haven with me to find out what the validation number on the computer was. My teammate, being practical, came over, got the number, and went back to his desk. After finding out what he had been doing at my desk, I felt compelled to tell my boss that I had actually been sitting there, and then my boss felt awkward, presumably because his request to my teammate made it seem like he couldn't keep track of where his employees were. That was not my intention.

I made sure to tell him that I would be in White Plains today.